Negotiations
Vanilla sex at large would only be improved if its practitioners were to discuss things in as much detail as practitioners of BDSM do. // This negotiation and discussion process is considered absolutely essential in BDSM sex. Because practitioners recognize that they are doing important things that will matter a great deal to people, psychologically speaking, they recognize how important it is to lay all cards out on the table. - Janis Cortese
From purchasing a car to reaching agreement with a child or parent about a course of action, we all have experience with negotiation. Some of us enjoy the prospect of getting everything arranged and agreed upon. Others find the process intimidating or believe it is unreliable. Others still are not wired to handle conflict well and see any bit of discussion or "haggling" as a major turn off and something to be avoided at all costs.
Negotiation in the D/s or BDSM environment is one of the most basic building blocks of a power exchange. It is agreeing when and where to meet, what limits might be imposed or explored. Physical and health considerations, emotional landmines, the use or absence of safe signals, how and when the scene begins and ends; can and should all be part of the process.
The "C" in SSC is about Consent. In RACK the "C" is also about Consent. How do we gain consent? Negotiation How is Consent removed? Safe words or signals are a vital during a scene to insure all is going well or things need to stop or change. There are a few links, further down that explore these ideas of Safe words and Consent.
"Safe" can be a relative term. Dominants should ask about health and mental health. Do you have asthma? Where is your inhaler? Diabetes? Allergies? Recent or chronic injuries? Fears or Phobias? Submissives should offer such information even if the Dom misses something during negotiations . That's the RA in RACK. Risk Aware.
It is amazing to me how many people both online and in my real life experience, do not know how to negotiate or even that it is a part of a healthy exchange.
Negotiation at it's core, is communication. But it need not be a 2 hour interview.
"I would love to do a scene with you."
"I have seen you play and you are scary, but I could allow you to spank me lightly. No blindfolds no bondage. Okay?
"May I use more than my hand?"
"I think for the first time I would prefer just your hand and if I ask you to stop or slow down, I need you to honor that."
"That is fine, you can use yellow for slowdown, red for stop, and green if you would like more or harder"
" I'd like my friend to be in the room but can we find a room or corner that is a bit more private"
"As long as your friend doesn't interfere I am okay with it , and you can pick the location."
"Then you may spank me."
"Is there anything else I should know about your health, mind or body?"
"I would prefer you do not insult me about my weight or body shape, I had a very bad scene like that once"
Five sentences each were all it took in this example. Negotiation doesn't have to be Rocket Surgery.
Consider for a moment all the horror stories you may have heard over the years from Doms or subs about partnerings that went terribly wrong. It happens all too often in a scene, a weekend or an entire relationship. I'll wager that over 80% of such debacles had either no , little or very poor negotiations. If you look back over the times things haven't gone well for you, in and out of lifestyle, it is very likely that you and the other person had expectations that were different from each other.
So with all this talk about"Basics" and "Training" and learning to serve, or Dominate, where are the guidelines for learning this vital part of Lifestyle? There are not many. It is far easier to search online and find 100 Dominant's versions of the 10 rules for submissives, than it is to find much more than " How to Negotiate a First Meeting". Why?
Perhaps we are all too eager to participate. No one tells us we should negotiate. Often we see the person getting beaten or whipped but we don't see the quiet conversation in the corner that preceded the action.Or the days of chat online that preceeded the scene.Maybe it's the romantic idea that "with the right 'One'.. all will just go right."
Erica Jung in 1973 wrote Fear of Flying in which she describes a scene where a hunk of a man enters the elevator a woman is in. in seconds, all the clothes are magically flying off them as they get it on right there in the elevator car. This famous scene was called the "Zipless Fuck". It was a fantasy. It was also a fictional book that spoke to real yearnings.
We cannot afford the "Zipless Scene" a "Wordless Weekend" the " Reckless Relationship" in an environment where some measure of agreement and reason is vital to building trustworthy interactions. Remember there are some Sadists in them thar woods who really don't give a damn what you want or don't want once you are tied to the tree. I am not suggesting you don't consider a scene in them thar woods... I am merely saying you ALWAYS have not just the right, but the responsibility to talk it out before you are bound to the bark.
Consider this excerpt from sexuality.org"During negotiation all players must have equal power to say no, as well as yes, to everything. None of the negotiators should feel they have to live up to anyone else's expectations. This can be difficult if you prefer to be submissive, but assertively choosing allows you to find out what works for you, so you can spend more time doing what turns you on."
This is about Power Exchange. The submissive who cannot bring themselves to the bargaining table and decide what she will allow and what she keeps for herself, is in essence not present and risks being the proverbial "doormat". The Dominant who doesn't take interest in the person presenting themself to Him or Her risks doing physical, emotional or spiritual harm. There needs to be far more dialog about negotiations among everyone, newbies to old timers. Encourage the topic at your local munches. Get ideas from others how to handle different situations. Send people to this page. Learn as much as you can about yourself, so you can communicate clearly when it is time to negotiate.Once you are done with the words... the passionate part will still happen, with more trust and less to worry about. -DaddyJ
