General Guidelines - If you are going to play with bondage or spanking or resistance
play or role-playing, it's often wise to establish a "safeword," which
is a code word that means 'Stop, now, I'm serious.' This word should be
something you won't forget and that won't come up in any other way. Many
people use "Green-Yellow-Red:" Green means "everything's fine," Yellow
means "Don't stop, but don't do anything harder than that," Red means
"Stop everything right now."
- Be very careful when playing with
a new partner for the first time -- particularly in cases where you do
not already know this person, and most particularly in cases where you
will be meeting someone you don't know very well in any circumstance
that could get you into trouble. Always arrange your first meetings in
public places. Don't accompany a stranger anywhere not already established beforehand. While this may seem
like common sense (and applies equally well to any dating situation,
not just a BDSM relationship), it's still sometimes easy to forget.
One
thing that is sometimes useful if you are going to be meeting someone
you don't know well in a private setting is to arrange a "safe call". This is a friend whom you can call at certain times throughout the night, who has been informed of the location that you're at. Set up a non-obvious secret code
word or phrase with your friend - addressing him or her by a variant of his/her name, for instance; if you do NOT use that code word during the
calls, or if you do not make the calls within some time limit, your friend should immediately
notify the authorities. Make sure your friend knows where you will be (and call just before entering, to confirm the location),
and make sure your partner knows that you have arranged for safe calls.
Within the BDSM community, no one should object if you tell them, "I've arranged for a safe call, and I need to call my friend at 'X' times. A
partner who objects to you having a safe call is probably not a safe partner to play with. Flogging, spanking, and sensation play
- Many people like
to experiment with flogging, which is whipping with a multi-tailed whip
called a flogger. Floggers are often perceived as very scary-looking,
but they feel nothing like they look, and often (depending on the type
of flogger and how it's used) they're not painful at all. Most people
compare them to massages, if used correctly.
However, you should
avoid the cheap, stiff floggers sold at many sex toy stores and novelty
stores; the lashes are thick and stiff, and the edges are not rounded,
meaning the impqact of them feels "sharp", rather than "thuddy" and could cause marking. A good flogger has soft
lashes and won't injure you. A very soft flogger, such as a deerskin
flogger, does not hurt at all.
- If you are paddling or spanking
someone, you should be careful where you hit. It's okay to paddle, flog,
or spank someone's butt, thighs, or upper back; if you are careful, you
can also spank or flog someone's breasts. Stay away from kidneys, lower
back, and neck. NEVER strike someone in the face or on the neck with
any object. Avoid joints, such as ankles, knees, and elbows--they're
surprisingly fragile and easy to damage. Remember that a person who is
bent over or in some other position that stretches the long muscles is
more vulnerable, and can not take as much, as a person who is in a
position where the body's long muscles are not extended.
- Someone should NOT be hitting the spine, kidneys, lower back, neck, joints, or any area of the body not covered by a substantial layer of muscle. Nor should they be "wrapping" a flogger or whip around your body (this refers a strike that hits the side of the body facing them, but curls the ends around to the other side, which adds substantial velocity to the tips). If they are, BE ASSERTIVE and OBJECT. It's ultimately your responsibility to keep yourself safe -- any competent dominant ought to regard this as their main priority as well, (to the point that after you've played with someone and know that they're responsible, you ought to be able to trust them to do so and cease worrying about it). But don't allow someone do something like hitting a joint or the spine with a hard object, on the idea that because they're "Dominant" that they must have a superior knowledge of what's correct.
- Hot
candle wax is excellent for sensation play. However, all candles are not
created equal! If you want to experiment with candle wax, it's best to
use plain white paraffin candles, of the kind usually sold in grocery
stores as "emergency candles." Scented and colored candles can contain
plasticisers that make them melt at a much hotter temperature. In
particular, avoid all-black candles and beeswax candles; these typically
burn very hot.
Bondage and restraints - Many people
like the idea of tying down their lover, but would rather do it with
silk scarves than with ropes or chains, on the idea that silk scarves
are more "gentle" and less threatening. Silk scarves, nylon stockings,
and so on are actually quite dangerous for bondage, for two reasons:
they tend to pull very tight, making knots difficult to remove; and they
tend to pinch, which can cause nerve damage. Good old-fashioned rope is
actually far safer. One hundred feet of soft braided nylon rope, in 5/8" diameter, sells
for only $20 at Home Depot (and would usefully be cut into one 40', one 25'. and three 11' pieces).
- Spread-eagle restraint can
become uncomfortable or painful very quickly. Positions in which the
submissive's arms are tied out to the side or are tied to the
submissive's waist can be maintained for much longer than positions in
which the submissive's arms are over the head.
- Handcuffs: the
kind you find in sex toy stores are not safe for bondage, because they
do not have a "double lock.' Real police handcuffs can be double locked,
which means that they can be set so that they won't tighten up if you
press or sit on them. Cheap handcuffs without a double lock tend to get
tighter and tighter if you press on them, sit on them, or struggle
against them. You can find real police handcuffs just about anywhere, but the least expensive are on eBay.
-
In general, when you have someone tied up, always be alert for
tingling, numbness, or coldness. If you are restrained, and your hands
or feet tingle or get numb, this usually means that the restraint is
pressing on a nerve. Tell your partner! Have your partner loosen the
restraints slightly and/or move you so that the tingling goes away. If
your hands or feet become cold to the touch, your circulation is being
cut off. Again, loosen the restraints or reposition.
- Do not
leave a restrained person alone for any reason! If you leave the actual room so that they're not in your sight (say to go to the bathroom, or to get them some water) you should still verbally check on them every minute or two.
- Do not place
anything over both the nose and mouth. If you gag your partner, make sure his
or her nose is not covered and that they are breathing comfortably.
- Keep a pair of scissors handy, in
case you need to get your partner loose in a hurry and don't have time
to untie the ropes. Best is a pair of "bandage" or "paramedic" scissors, which you can
get at any drug store. Such scissors have a pointed upper blade but a
blunt lower blade; you can slip them beneath a rope without poking or
cutting your partner. They're very cheap.
- A word on blindfolds: Generally speaking, blindfolds are something to best reserved for use after you've played with someone and know that they are serious about protecting your safety. The eyes carry very important cues as to how someone is reacting to what is being done to them, and a responsible Dominant will be watching them for feedback. Also, covering the eyes depersonalizes the person -- which is not something that you generally want someone you've just met, or never played with before, to do to you.
Anal play
Anal sex, if it is done right, is painless and
intensely pleasureable. There are millions of nerve endings in and
around your anus, and stimulating these can easily cause orgasm. It
should not be painful even the first time you do it, if you do it right.
-
Relax. That's the first rule. If you feel yourself tightening up, you
aren't relaxed. Relaxation is all it takes to make it painless.
Of
course, there is a trick to this. The muscles of the sphincter don't
act like other muscles. With other muscles, like in your arm for
example, if you are relaxed the muscle goes limp; you have to exert
effort and do work to make the muscle tighten. With the sphincter, it is
tight all the time; you have to do work to make it relax.
This
is something you can learn how to do. Start by pressing the ball of your
finger against the entrance, without trying to push it in. Then, try to
make the sphincter relax. You might be surprised that it takes effort
to do this; try bearing down until you feel it start to open. Don't
penetrate yourself any faster than what it can take; in time, you can
teach yourself to relax this muscle at will.
- Use plenty of
lubrication--preferably not a water-based lube like KY. Also, avoid
so-called "numbing" lubricants; these can mask the sensation of serious
injury.
- Never penetrate anyone vaginally with any object or
body part that has been inserted anally. Doing this is just begging for a
bacterial infection.
- Penetrate your partner slowly, especially
if you aren't experienced with anal sex! Give your partner time to
relax, especially if you're new at it. Nervousness and fear make you
tense up. Take it very slowly, until your partner relaxes. Penetrating a
partner who is not relaxed is painful and may cause tears or abrasions,
and you don't want either.
- If you want to use anal toys, it's
often wise to look for toys which are intended expressly for anal play.
Anal toys usually have a flared base, which prevents them from being
inserted too far and getting lost. In particular, avoid "bullet" or
"egg" style toys for anal play; often, the wires that connect these toys
to the battery pack aren't particularly strong, and can easily break if
you try to remove the toy by pulling on the wire, leaving the toy in
place.
