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25 Things that Everyone who's read "50 Shades" ought to know about BDSM, that aren't made obvious in the books.
Basically, it’s way different than most people expect.
Between stereotypes, porn, and Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s a lot of misconceptions about BDSM. Short of attending a workshop or visiting a dominatrix, the best way to learn more about it is to do some research. “Just like with regular sex, if you want to be good at it, you really have to learn about what’s going on when this stuff is happening,” says Brame.
Here's a start! |
SUBSPACE
Within the context of BDSM, "subspace" is a an altered psychological state that is often entered into by the person bottoming in a scene. It is not easy to characterize, because each person's reactions to BDSM play can be quite different -- and even a single person's reactions to play can vary from scene to scene.
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DROP
Since the increase of hormones and chemicals has produced a trance-like state, as play ends the submissive may feel out-of-body, detached from reality. As the sub's system stops producing morphine-like drugs, and as the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in again, the sub may feel a deep exhaustion, a sharp drop in temperature, as well as incoherence and un-coordination. In the lifestyle, this is commonly referred to as "drop" or "sub-drop".
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AFTERCARE
In public dungeons, aftercare is usually oriented towards recognizing the immediate physical needs of subs who have been playing. Because the sub's body has been undergoing exertion, body temperature frequently drops sharply after play. This may require having a blanket or a robe for warmth as the sub can sometimes become chilly to the point of shivering, even if fully clothed. The sub may feel unsteady on their feet (sometimes barely able to move without assistance) necessitating a comfy place where they can sit or lie down and experience gentle contact and physical comfort for a period after play. Their cognitive functioning may be impaired (slow or disjointed) for a while after play.
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A Quick Overview of BDSM Basics [excerpt] Safe, Sane and Consensual
This is the anthem of the scene community. You will see debate on what SSC really means, but you will see very little debate on the necessity of these concepts.
SAFE: To start it must be said that nothing is 100% safe, including BDSM.
Safety involves many things. It means knowing your limitations, Dom and Sub alike. It means taking precautions like having safety scissors (EMT shears are good for this, they will cut through almost anything) and having more then one key to anything that locks (as well as having locks that use a common key). It means keeping things clean and using condoms or other barrier protection when needed. It means having some simple first aid items handy, which isn't a bad idea anyway. (I've never needed my first aid kit while playing, but I've needed it twice while cooking dinner) Remember Dom's, you may have paid a zillion for that BDSM toy but a willing partner who gives you the gift of their submission is PRICELESS. As one NLA:CO member puts it "Always leave your play partners recyclable". To see a MUCH more detailed document on safety visit Safer SM Education Project and read their on-line pamplet
SANE: You will probably see more debate on this word than any other. It means understanding what's possible and what should remain fantasy. That picture or artwork of the beautiful women or that to die for guy may look wonderful as they hang by piano wire tied to their thumbs while being whipped with the whip made of chain saw blades, but that's a fantasy. If you try that you'll soon be featured on the nightly news with a name like the Manhatten Mangler. Seriously, knowing the difference between what must remain a fantasy and what you can actually do is an important step to being a responsible member of our scene community, even if you only play privately. It also means taking the time to learn about that newest thing you want to try, by reading, observing, talking to others, and practicing if needed. Finally, it also means that drugs/alcohol and/or anger and scening don't mix.
CONSENSUAL: This may be the most important concept of all. It's what separates us from the abusers. Everything we do is based on consent. Consenting to play and then negotiating what will happen. Consenting to enter into a Dom/sub relationship. You may be Grand Master Dominant of the Fifth Dragon and she may be first Kajira but the relationship is by consent, and consent once given can also be withdrawn. The ability to do that can be modified by negotiated agreements, but, if, and when consent is withdrawn, that withdrawal must be honored. If it isn't, see Abuse above.
[CONTINUED click link above] |
Negotiations
Vanilla sex at large would only be improved if its practitioners were to discuss things in as much detail as practitioners of BDSM do. // This negotiation and discussion process is considered absolutely essential in BDSM sex. Because practitioners recognize that they are doing important things that will matter a great deal to people, psychologically speaking, they recognize how important it is to lay all cards out on the table. - Janis Cortese
From purchasing a car to reaching agreement with a child or parent about a course of action, we all have experience with negotiation. Some of us enjoy the prospect of getting everything arranged and agreed upon. Others find the process intimidating or believe it is unreliable. Others still are not wired to handle conflict well and see any bit of discussion or "haggling" as a major turn off and something to be avoided at all costs.
Negotiation in the D/s or BDSM environment is one of the most basic building blocks of a power exchange. [Continued, click link above] |
(c) Midori 2011
Published: November 21, 2011
When you find it, the desire to jump into the deep end of the BDSM pool can be irresistible. The excitement of new found friends, playmates and activities can drive a submissive off track and into dangerous situations for mind, body and soul. In this letter to my submissive friends, I offer some advice to avoid the pitfalls during your adventures.
Dear Friend,
I am so excited for you! It’s... [Continued...click the link above] |
How to act at a BDSM play party
You may encounter nudity, explicit sex acts, and an amazing variety of other kinky debaucherous stuff at a BDSM play party or dungeon. Please be aware that within the BDSM community, it is expected that you will NOT react with surprise, shock, pointing, or undue fascination to encountering such things.
If something literally freaks you out...well, you can always politely excuse yourself and leave: You aren't required to be there. Otherwise, simply pretend that whatever you see is usual and ordinary. Within the BDSM scene, this is simply considered good manners.
[continues..click the title above] |
If
you mention BDSM to the average person, you'll likely conjure up images
of guys in over-the-top black leather and silver studs beating the
bejeezus out of someone tied up in a grimy dark room somewhere. And
many people don't have much of a concept of it at all. As society
becomes more bland and "safe", most people don't take the time to
explore the avenues in life that aren't presented to them on primetime
television. And most of them live out their lives without ever
discovering what their likes and dislikes are, and to some extent who
they are. Imagine living your whole life and never being adventurous
enough to discover your favorite food. What a waste! And as a result,
many of them find their sex lives getting repetitive, boring and stale.
Here we'll explore a little bit of BDSM for those who are unfamiliar
with it, are too shy to ask, and are intelligent enough not to believe
everything they see in porn films. What is BDSM?[Continued...] |
While many of these rules are general, they cover the basic attitude that you're likely to encounter when attending a play party or public dungeon. While all of them might not be followed in any given situation, it would be very difficult to offend anyone in the scene by following them.
In general
- Politeness will get you a long way in the scene. Treat other
people as you'd like to be treated.
- Honesty is highly valued in the lifestyle. Lying,
whether about one's experience level, marital status, risk factors,
or anything else is frowned upon, and will usually be found
out.
- Touching (even casually) other people or their possessions
(including collars, cuffs, and apparel) without permission is
unacceptable. Most people enjoy playing show-and-tell, but
always get their permission beforehand
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You Might Be A Wannabe (Doms)
If you ever use the phrase "A real sub wouldn't have a problem doing
that"... you might be a Wannabe
If you think the word "submissive" means
the same thing as "easy"... you might be [...] You Might Be A Wannabe (Subs)
If you don't know what "R/L" means... you might be a Wannabe
If you think it's not necessary to communicate what you need or
want to your Dom because what you want is not important... you might be a
Wannabe
If you've never considered the possibility that your online
Master is really a 14-year-old named Jason... you might be |
Review
It goes by many names: bondage and discipline, dominance and
submission, sadomasochism, and more. In Jay Wiseman's SM 101, the
long-taboo subject of consensual sadomasochism is accurately, insightful
presented in the context of adult human sexuality, experience and
tradition for the interested non-specialist general reader. SM 101
surveys the entire spectrum of consentual sadomasochistic practices from
from bondage, to spanking, to erotic role-playing, and more. Now in an
expanded second edition, SM 101 includes a new chapter on starting and
running sadomaschistic organizations and events for consenting adults.
Greenery Press has an extensive title list in the area of human
sexuality and maintains a site on the World Wide Web (see the above URL)
with a complete roster of their publications in various aspects of
human sexuality and practices. -- Midwest Book Review |
Amazon.com Review
Philip Miller and Molly Devon think that S/M is fun, and "that
reading about it should be fun, too." Screw the Roses, Send Me the
Thorns is definitely fun, not to mention approachable, chatty, and
insightful. What makes it truly special, however, is the sheer weight
of loving details. There's clear explanations and detailed tutorials
for beginners, as general as "safe, sane, and consensual" and as
specific as "you will be swinging the whip with your arm pivoting at
the shoulder." There's also solid advice, safety measures, steamy
suggestions, plenty of black-and-white photographs, useful and humorous
drawings, an extensive glossary, and over 900 entries of S/M clothing
and equipment vendors, publications, computer bulletin boards, and
organizations worldwide. As sadomasochism is a practice that's still
taboo for many people, the chapter on finding partners and sharing your
fantasies with existing partners can be invaluable.
[Continued...]
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Not everybody feels comfortable with the thought of kissing or licking
their lover's anus, or with having it done to them. But the fact is,
many lovers are curious about oral-anal contact -- known as analingus
and casually called "rimming" -- and often feel surprised by their
interest, but when they try it, some become enthusiastic about it.
[Continued...]
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It's about people who enjoy power exchange or who like being in control -
in some cases live for it.
'There can be any number of partners in a D/s relationship, in some
cases with one dominant sometimes having several submissives, who may in
turn dominate others, or a submissive sometimes may have multiple
dominants. Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous. Romantic love
is not necessarily a feature in D/s, partners might be very much in
love or have no romantic relationship at all.
[Continued...]
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Virtually every man on Earth has had the desire to spank his woman.
Whether it's a kinky fetish or simply a spice you want to add to the
dish that is your sex life, spanking definitely has its perks.
Today's tip will help men everywhere learn how, when and at what tempo
they should be spanking their women.
Before you rev up your hand
In a perfect world, if you wanted to spank your woman, you would just do
so and care nothing for the consequences, because, in a perfect world,
there would be none. Unfortunately, that's not how it works in the real
world.
Before you begin spanking her, you have to first find out if she would
actually enjoy the feeling of an open hand coming into slightly harsh
contact with her buttocks. If she has ever displayed a liking for
dominant sex or enjoys running her nails down your back, then spanking
her is surely a go.
[Continued...]
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How To Suck A Cock
Sucking a man's cock is one of the pure pleasures in life. It's sad to
think that many women don't appreciate just how much fun it can be. The
reason for this is they don't know how to do it correctly and so it
doesn't end up being much fun. Because if you mess up, you don't get
your reward. The cock doesn't get hard, the man doesn't have a good
time and the woman feels like a failure.
But here's the good news: It's easy to learn how to be a terrific cock
sucker. And I'm going to tell you exactly how. It doesn't matter what
setting you choose, you can be home in bed or parked on Sunset
Boulevard, but seek whatever level of privacy you need to feel relaxed
and sexy. For now, let's say you're on a couch. You're with a man you
like and you know he'd love to have a good blow job about now.
[Continued...]
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By Anonymous
I have a lot of respect for all you guys who like to eat pussy because
there are too few of you out there. And I'm not the only woman who says
this. Furthermore, some of you guys who are giving it the old college
try are not doing too well, so maybe this little lesson will help you
out. When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she's found a
treasure she's not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare
customer and she knows it. She won't even tell her girlfriends about it
or that guy will become the most popular man in town. So, remember, most
guys can fuck, and those who can usually do it satisfactorily, but the
guy who gives good head, he's got it made.
[continued...]
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General Guidelines
- If you are going to play with bondage or spanking or resistance
play or role-playing, it's often wise to establish a "safeword," which
is a code word that means 'Stop, now, I'm serious.' This word should be
something you won't forget and that won't come up in any other way. Many
people use "Green-Yellow-Red:" Green means "everything's fine," Yellow
means "Don't stop, but don't do anything harder than that," Red means
"Stop everything right now."
[continued...]
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A Beginner's Guide to BDSM Munches
(Version 1.4, written 8/14/03)
Copyright 2003 by Jay Wiseman
Author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction”
Hello and welcome to the munch! Perhaps this is your first munch. Perhaps this is your first BDSM event of any kind. Congratulations for contacting what many of us call the BDSM community (or, more simply, "the scene”). You are on the threshold of meeting many new people, having many new experiences, and both learning and growing a great deal. By the way, "BDSM” is a general, overall term for what we do. The term is pronounced just like its letters – B D S M – and represents a compression of the phrases "bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.”
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A munch is a casual lunch or dinner with
other local people who have an interest or experience in BDSM (Bondage
& Discipline, Dominance and submission, sadomasochism) and/or
Fetish. Most munches are held in family restaurants where no
'play' or fetishwear is permitted.
[continued...]
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